When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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