i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
