I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
