I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
