dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
you never un-have a 4some
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
