Where is the hickey?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
