How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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