I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
