she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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