Don't you send me to vm
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
