I could have mohawked her pubes.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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