I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
