What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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