hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
