apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
