I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
