I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
