apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
