I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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