mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
