I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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