the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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