toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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