Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
