Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
