my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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