So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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