I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
