oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
