I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Randomize
