he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
