so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I need moral support for this bender
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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