And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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