i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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