Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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