pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
