Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
false alarm. still invincible.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
