what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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