your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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