Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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