That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
