There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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