just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
