the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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