We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
