i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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