im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
