one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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