I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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