Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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